[# The Lovettes: I Need A Guy]
[screams] Sweet mother!
What the hell are you doing here?
It is 1 1 :00 at night.
Isn't it obvious? I'm a vampire. I need permission to enter.
Permission not granted.
Good thing I'm not really a vampire.
[turns off music]
Vinyls.
- How old school. - I keep it real.
- I've never seen this Beatles album. - It was only released in the UK.
Those were my mom's. She was a real purist.
- She sounds cool. - She was.
So, again, what is with the breaking and entering?
I had something I wanted to tell you.
Can I borrow a Biore...?
A male? In your bedroom?
And he's cute.
- Am I sleepwalking again? - Shh! Shh! Shh!
Dad is gonna hear you.
[Walter] Girls!
Oh, my God. Crap. Crap. Crap.
Get out!
Get out, get out, get out, get out.
- Just a second, Dad, I'm indecent. - And in so much trouble.
- I'm loving this. - [Walter] I'm coming in!
Spooky.
There's a brushfire, the neighborhood's evacuating.
We have to get out right now.
- Give me two minutes to get changed. - We don't have time.
[Bianca groans]
[chatter]
We had time.
[theme song plays]
[chatter]
Excuse me. Stand back!
Baby on board!
Can you girls handle check-in?
I'm gonna volunteer at First Aid. Maybe I'll get to deliver a fire-baby.
I feel like a poodle at a dessert buffet.
What I wouldn't do for a flat iron right now.
People could be losing their homes and you're worried about your hair?
[scoffs] You're worse than Anderson Cooper.
Ooh! You're looking for Patrick.
You like him.
No, I don't.
- You want to kiss him. - Really? Are you five?
I'm excited to know you're capable of physical attraction.
Maybe I won't have the burden of caring for you and your cats when you're old.
Sorry, can't take you seriously with your hair like this.
[Chastity] Bianca.
Face forward and don't say anything
or I'll tell Patrick you wanna have his babies.
Bianca, can you believe this? Fires are so scary.
I'm totally traumatized. What you're wearing doesn't help.
I sleep in the nude. So I had to borrow these.
Wow, these are desperate times.
Mm-hmm.
You wouldn't have anything less flannel I could borrow?
Sorry, someone once returned something with a snag, so I don't do that anymore.
But if you find something, we'll be in room 1 03.
It's where all the cheerleaders are sleeping.
Sure!
Oh, oh, oh. And could you get me some more blankets?
My resting body temp is 98:1 which means I'm freezing.
And Frau Stick-in-the-Mud up there would only give me two.
It is so sad when people abuse their power.
[Kat scoffs]
I keep forgetting you're related to that.
I can't believe her broomstick didn't burn in the fire.
Hi, I can take it from here. I'm an OB/GYN.
Thank God. Only thing I know about delivering babies
- I learned from Gone With the Wind, - Do you have a certificate?
Just want to make sure you're not one of those kooks who goes around saying
they're gynecologists so they can look at my lady business.
But that is one of the perks of the jobs.
Just kidding. Give me your hand and relax.
What are you, about seven months in? Guess what, everyone's fine.
This bun's not coming out of the oven tonight.
- Lie back and relax. OK? - OK.
But I'm keeping my knees closed.
Should've thought of that seven months ago.
[muffled laugh]
I'll be here. You don't have to stay.
Oh, that's OK. I don't mind. What else am I going to do?
Rank the stuff I'll miss most if my house burns down?
I think I'd miss my house the most.
Oh, not me.
Reminds me of my ex-husband and his love of linoleum.
It's everywhere.
- Ooh. - [both laugh]
My memory foam pillow, that's what I'll miss the most.
I spent a lot of lonely nights trying to get the depressions just right.
You know?
Dude.
There are vulnerable hot chicks all over this looking for a shoulder to cry on.
I know it's wrong, but I love this fire.
Yeah, me too. Now I know what Bianca wears to bed.
[woman on TV] In a new development, authorities believe the Canyon brushfire
may have been started by homemade pyrotechnics,
Homemade pyrotechnics.
Yeah. Yeah, like fireworks, flares.
Or model rockets.
Michael, that model rocket we launched yesterday in my backyard...
...it never came down.
- Do you think we started the fire? - No, there's no way.
All we did was push a button.
That shot a vessel of highly flammable balsa wood containing gun powder...
...into bone-dry brush igniting a gigantic conflagration.
Uh-oh.
Girls, I'm here for you in your time of need, OK?
Why don't we go around the circle
and share what we're scared of losing the most.
My vintage collection of US Weekly's. They're irreplaceable.
My ionic featherweight hair dryer.
- It blows so hard. - [all agree]
If my house burns down, I'll lose every single photo of my mother.
- Oh, you poor thing. - I'm sure your house will be fine.
Aww, so sad. I know exactly how you feel.
My mother is in Brazil getting her second face lift.
What if she doesn't wake up from the anesthesia?
If I could talk to her right now, I would say:
"Mom, you're perfect just the way you are."
God, I remember this one time when my mom went out...
Dawn, you had your turn, OK?
- Wow. - You know what?
Now that I think about it,
I should be with my parents right now. They're probably worried sick about me.
Yeah, me too. My dad gets so needy in a crisis. Sorry.
But, you guys, wait. We haven't finished our little share circle.
[door closes]
I'm here to listen as long as you want to talk.
Oh, thanks, B.
Maybe Michelle should be in that mascot suit instead of you.
Keep talking, I'm still listening.
You know what we need?
Hot chocolate.
Yeah, no sugar, no whipped cream.
Wait, whipped cream, but only if it's the fake kind, OK?
You can have yours however you like. Thank you!
Bye-bye. Scoot, scoot.
There you go, ma'am.
Does this have seeds in it?
- I have diverticulitis. - I'm not sure, actually.
Oh, who's that you're undressing with your eyes?
- Your boyfriend? - [scoffs]
No. He's just this guy I know.
Oh, missy, I wasn't born yesterday.
I can see that.
So you made it.
Where's your family?
I killed them all. They were slowing me down.
Natural disasters do bring out the best in people.
So, what was your big epiphany?
You're OK!
Did you get my messages? I sent you, like, a million texts.
When are we gonna talk? You said you needed to tell me something.
It's not like that.
Sure it's not. Enjoy your chat.
Are you mad at me?
Oh!
Have you ever done something you've regretted?
Giving you advice, because you keep coming back.
OK, but have you ever done something you were really sorry about?
What did you do?
I think I started the fire.
Let me guess.
- You set off a model rocket? - How'd you know?
It was either that or you were setting your farts on fire.
So, what's the problem?
The problem is the guilt is eating me alive.
I'm thinking of confessing.
- It's not like you did it on purpose. - You're right.
I'll tell 'em what happened, that it was an accident,
- and I'm really sorry. - Yeah.
Worst-case scenario, you get five, ten years.
You can handle prison.
You know, with a face like yours, you'll have a husband in no time.
[all speaking foreign language]
Oh goodie, you're back.
What are non-cheerleaders doing here?
- A volunteer brought them in. - Oh, good.
Then you can volunteer to take them out.
But they brought homemade baklava.
With real honey. It's super delicious. You'll love it.
And this is Suhrob.
He's only 1 1 and he speaks three languages, including Russian.
Pleasure it is to meet you.
Oh, how cute.
You talk like Yoda.
So cute. Cuteness.
Yeah, we're gonna need to get them out of here, and by we, I mean you.
But there's plenty of room here.
Bianca!
Bianca.
I thought this was supposed to be bonding time for us,
to really cement our friendship.
- lsn't that what you wanted? - Yeah, of course.
Then get them moved to another classroom.
And when you get back, I'll flat iron your hair!
Ooh.
Can't wait.
[man] Thanks.
Go after him already.
Seize the moment.
Life is short.
Trust me, I know.
- You're old. I get it. - Old?
Do you have keys to any of the classrooms? I need you to open one.
Chastity needs more room for her ego?
Someone brought a family into our room and she's a bit territorial.
Too bad.
Tell Genghis Chastity that there's a fire going on
- and we all need to pull together. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We Are the World, I get it.
- Can't you open a door, please? - Not a chance.
Why can't you help me once?
Why does everything you do have to be about principles?
Why does everything you do have to be about Chastity?
- It's pathetic. - Fine.
I guess you'd rather be handing out water bottles to old ladies
rather than making out with Patrick Verona.
But you're right, I'm the one who's pathetic.
[door opens]
Now that her contractions have stopped,
you want to share this bottle of wine I can't pronounce?
Well, with a wine this nice, it's a miracle you remembered your kids.
My ex and I were saving it for our 30th anniversary,
but now, instead of toasting that tragedy, we can toast this one.
- May l? - Please.
What's your deal, anyway? You married? Separated? Big fat cheater?
Widowed.
I'm so sorry. Was it recent?
Yes.
- Seven years. - Oh.
Well, different people move on at different speeds.
So...
That's totally normal-ish.
You seem to have bounced back pretty well. Mind sharing your secret?
Therapy.
Thousands and thousands of dollars of therapy.
Actually, I'm just getting back into the dating scene.
Ahh, how's that going?
Online dating is brutal, but I'm getting the hang of it.
Now I'm an entertainer in my early 30s.
I should help you with your profile.
And I've got Photoshop.
Should I be thankful or offended?
Grateful.
[woman laughs]
[mouths] No.
Chastity, I'm sorry, we can't relocate the family.
But we can view this as an opportunity to learn about another culture.
- lt'll be fun. - It would be fun.
But it would also be horribly selfish of us.
Think about what they must be going through, Bianca.
They probably lived in very small huts in whatever country they came from.
This room must seem overwhelmingly large for them.
We should totally put them in the janitor's closet.
- They'd be more comfortable there. - But...
Oh! But, but.
Doo-doo. But nothing.
Unless you want to learn carpet weaving from your new friends?
I know, you could weave yourself a new mascot suit.
That's really not very nice.
We actually do weave beautiful carpets.
See?
Chastity, I'm not putting a family of six in a closet.
Oh, wow.
OK, I'm gonna pretend this little temper tantrum never happened.
I know you're really stressed about losing all of your dead mom's stuff.
Yoda, tell your clan to start packing.
You are such a bitch!
[chatter stops]
What did you say to me?
You heard me.
You are a manipulative, conniving, mean little shrew of a person.
And I am sick of taking your crap!
Can't you see that nobody likes you?
That was harsh.
[door opens]
[sirens in distance]
Don't jump.
Oh, I don't have to, you're here now.
OK, jump.
I'm only three stories up.
All I'd do is break a leg.
It'd still be worth it.
[Patrick] Come check this out.
It's really beautiful.
[Kat] If you don't think about the homes being destroyed.
- [scoffs] - [helicopters in distance]
Look over there.
[both scream]
- Ahh?! - Ooh!
[Patrick] See?
- You don't want me to jump. - You're such a jerk.
Now I can tell you what I wanted to tell you?
I'm on pins and needles. Let me guess.
Is it the same thing you wanted to tell the girl downstairs?
- I like you when you're jealous. - I'm not jealous.
I'm appalled. There's a difference.
Look, I was gonna tell her she should stop stalking me.
Hmm. Big words from the guy who shows up unannounced
in my bedroom window at 1 1 :00 at night.
That's way past visiting hours.
You talk a lot.
Is that what you wanted to tell me?
Sure.
No, seriously.
Oh, seriously.
OK.
I realized why I find you interesting.
Hmm.
Do tell.
You're different from other girls.
You have a mind of your own.
That must be a refreshing change for you.
It is.
You're not all clingy and needy.
We can just make out and it doesn't have to be this whole big thing.
Right.
Because I'm a total slut.
- But, I have a mind of my own. - No, that's not what I meant.
What did you mean?
I meant you're not living some fairy tale where I'm your Prince Charming.
Trust me, no one would mistake you for Prince Charming.
- Prince Charles, maybe. - [groans]
- And we were having such a nice time. - Unbelievable.
I'm worried about losing my home.
All of my stuff, every memory, and you just wanna hook up.
Why do you make everything so difficult?
What can I say?
I'm not easy.
Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you,
but I'm hot and tired and you're acting like Janice Dickinson.
Well, excuse me for not wanting to share my room with the entire USSR.
So, what you said,
was it true?
Yeah.
And here I thought we were going to bond tonight, Bianca.
Bond?
More like bondage and I was your gimp.
"Get me hot chocolate. Fetch me blankets. Rub my feet."
You're using me. Just like you use all of us.
Wait.
Me? Using you?
You wanna be a cheerleader more than Hillary Clinton wants to be President.
That's the only reason you even speak to me.
Do you think it's easy being me?
I am the most popular girl in school.
And some would argue the prettiest too.
I've got nowhere to go but down.
And I know that every girl in this school would crush me in a second
if she had the chance to take my place.
I don't have any friends.
At least not any real ones.
- I guess I'm all alone. - That's not true.
I'm here, and...
...you're right, I was using you.
And I'm sorry.
I accept your apology.
Is there anything you want to say to me?
Mmm...
Don't do it again?
How about, I'm sorry for using you too, Bianca.
OK. What you said.
And...
...I shouldn't have said that about your mom.
Thanks.
You know, I kind of like you when you're not ordering me around.
[Chastity] That is so sweet.
And I like you when you're not being whiney and insecure.
Oh! No hugging.
And just an FYl...
...I'm not making you a cheerleader just because you're my best friend.
OK.
So you're saying, for my profile,
I should specifically avoid saying I'm a gynecologist.
- Yes, doctor is fine. - All right. You're great at this.
Can I have your number?
I mean, I'd like more help with my profile.
Can I be honest?
First piece of advice, you gotta lose that ring.
Yeah, I know.
Would you believe? I've worn it so long I think it's stuck?
Oh, second piece of advice.
Butter.
I can't take it anymore.
Slap the shackles on me and take me up river.
There's no punishment greater than the knowledge
that I caused people to lose everything they care about!
Huh?
I started the fire.
It was a freak thing.
I miscalculated the trajectory of the parabola.
Look, I don't know what your trip is, bro,
but they caught the guys that started it.
Two college dudes smoking some tasty cloves.
That's fantastic!
Bianca, I'm so happy to see you. I feel wonderful!
Let's hang out and talk all night long.
OK. But we can't do anything too physical.
If I snag these clothes, I'm dead meat.
[woman on P,A,] Everyone, the fire is offiicially contained,
You can all return to your homes,
[all cheering]
Thank God. We don't have to stay here all night.
I'll see you tomorrow at school. Bye, Cameron!
Look, I'm off duty. Fire's over.
So I guess I don't have to show you what your boyfriend left for you.
- He's not my boyfriend. - Over there.
Missy, lighten up.
I know a lot of cat ladies who started out like you.
I am so happy we can go home.
This evacuation has been nothing but drama.
Fire is out, the house is safe, no babies were born in the gym.
We may all return to our lives.
Come here, come here. Life is great.
Are you drunk?
Only on life, my darling.
And $500 worth of wine.
[Kat] I'm driving.